Hypnosis to strengthen Self-Love
You have just messed something up. Nothing serious: a piece of work, a forgotten appointment, a clumsy remark.
Now imagine a friend telling you exactly the same story. You know perfectly well what you would say: that it is not serious, that it happens, that they are putting too much pressure on themselves.
And you also know what you are saying to yourself right now. It is not the same person speaking. That is precisely where self-love plays out: not in admiring yourself, not in trusting your abilities, but in the way you treat yourself when things go badly.
Self-love, self-esteem, self-confidence
The three terms travel together and mean different things.
Self-confidence is what I believe I can do. It is tied to ability and is built through experience.
Self-esteem is the value I grant myself. It is broader and more stable.
Self-love is the relationship I have with myself, and above all the way I treat myself when I fail. It depends neither on success nor on what others think.
It is this last one we are concerned with here. On the voice that comments and judges non-stop, see instead our page on the inner critic. On what you believe yourself capable of, see confidence, esteem and assertiveness.
What research calls self-compassion
Self-love is not a measurable concept. There is, however, one very close to it that has been studied extensively for twenty years: self-compassion.
It is described in three movements, as set out by the American researcher Kristin Neff: treating yourself kindly rather than harshly when you fail; remembering that failure is part of human experience rather than believing you alone are defective; and looking at what you feel without drowning in it.
This framework matters for one precise reason: that is where the work applies. Not on finding yourself wonderful, but on what you do with yourself on the days when you cannot manage.
Two situations that call for a doctor. Intense and constant self-deprecation is a common feature of a depressive episode. If it comes with a lasting loss of drive, sleep or appetite problems, withdrawal, or dark thoughts, this is no longer a question of your relationship with yourself: speak to your doctor. And if you are staying in a relationship that is hurting you, know this: where there is abuse — verbal, psychological, physical or financial — the problem is not how much you love yourself. Working on yourself does not make an abusive relationship acceptable, and nobody deserves that for having lacked confidence. Quebec: SOS violence conjugale, 1 800 363-9010, 24 hours a day. France: 3919, violences femmes info, free and anonymous. Dark thoughts: Quebec 811 option 2, or 1 866 APPELLE (277-3553) · France 3114.
What it changes day to day
In failure, an ordinary setback becomes a confirmation. It is no longer "I messed up that piece of work", it is "I knew it". In relationships, you apologise constantly, you do not dare ask, you accept what does not suit you — and you make yourself indispensable to compensate, which is exhausting. In projects, it is self-sabotage: the appointment you never book, the opportunity you let pass, the work handed in at the last minute so there is a ready-made excuse. In the care you take of yourself, it is sleep, food and postponed medical appointments: you look after everyone except yourself.
And then exhaustion, which eventually arrives, because never giving yourself a break costs energy continuously.
A word about which way the arrow points. You will often read that a lack of self-love "leads to" anxiety or depression. That is too simple, and above all it puts you in the dock. In reality the relationship runs both ways, and self-deprecation is often a symptom rather than a cause: it is in fact one of the criteria used to recognise a depressive episode in the French health authority's guidance. A depressive episode damages the way you see yourself; it is not a lack of self-love that caused it. The distinction matters, because the first version adds guilt to someone who is already unwell.
What exists outside hypnosis
- A medical opinion, as soon as self-deprecation comes with a lasting low mood.
- Approaches built on self-compassion, developed precisely for people marked by shame and self-criticism. They are delivered by psychologists and psychotherapists, and they are the research field our work is closest to in principle.
- Cognitive behavioural therapy, the best documented on beliefs and automatic thoughts.
- Therapies focused on parts of the self or on schemas.
- Mindfulness, to observe what you feel without clinging to it.
- And something very simple: writing down one thing you did properly every evening. It is mundane, it works, and it costs nothing.
Video available in French
Video transcript
Prends un instant, juste un instant et pose toi cette question honnêtement : Est ce que tu t'aimes vraiment ? Ou est ce que tu essaies juste de fonctionner malgré toi ? Parce que la plupart des gens vont dire : “oui, bien sûr que je m'aime”. Mais quand on regarde de plus près, c'est dans les détails que ça se révèle, dans la façon dont tu te parles quand tu fais une erreur, dans ce que tu tolères dans tes relations dans ce que tu remets à plus tard, encore et surtout dans ce que tu crois mériter.
Et pendant que tu m'écoutes, peut être que tu peux commencer à observer sans juger ce qui se passe à l'intérieur de toi. Est ce qu'il y a une petite voix qui doute, Une partie de toi qui se critique ? Même en ce moment ? Parce que cette voix là, elle ne vient pas de nulle part. Elle s'est construite avec le temps, avec les expériences, avec ce que tu as compris ou mal compris sur toi même. Ce qu'on appelle le manque d'amour de soi, ce n'est pas un défaut, c'est un programme, un ensemble de croyances inconscientes qui influencent tes décisions, tes réactions, tes relations et souvent ça crée des schémas répétitifs.
Tu veux avancer mais quelque chose bloque. Tu veux être heureux mais tu reviens toujours au même point. Alors la vraie question c'est pas : “pourquoi ça m'arrive ?” mais plutôt “qu'est ce que je continue d'accepter qui confirme ce que je crois sur moi ?” Parce que tant que ça, ça ne change pas, rien ne change vraiment. Maintenant imagine. Juste imagine que ces croyances là, puissent être modifées à un niveau plus profond, là où les efforts seuls ne suffisent pas.
Imagine ce que ça changerait dans ta façon de te percevoir, dans tes choix, dans les limites que tu te poses et dans ce que tu acceptes ou non. C'est exactement là que l'hypnose agit. Pas en surface, mais directement à la source, là où ces mécanismes se sont installés. Alors si une partie de toi reconnait que c'est le moment de changer ça. Je t'invite à venir explorer ce travail, pas pour devenir quelqu'un d'autre, mais pour enfin arrêter d'être en conflit avec toi même.
Hypnotherapy is a complementary form of support and does not replace medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any concerns about your health, please consult a physician first.
What Hypnosis can offer
It will not make you find yourself wonderful, and that is not the goal. It guarantees no result.
What a course of work aims at:
- Changing what happens in failure. That is the heart of it. Not removing the mistake, but changing what you inflict on yourself afterwards.
- Going back to where it started. Almost always there are phrases heard early on, a setting where you had to earn your place. Identifying them is not enough to undo them, but nothing gets undone without having identified them.
- Reactivating what you already know how to do. You are capable of kindness: you practise it every day with others. The work often consists of turning towards yourself a skill you already have.
- Reassigning what is yours. A success reclassified as luck never accumulates on the right side — this is also the ground covered by impostor syndrome.
- Daring one concrete action, rehearsed in imagination before being attempted.
- Setting a boundary, which is often the first thing that visibly changes.
A word of caution on positive affirmations
Replacing "I am worthless" with "I am wonderful" does not work, and for the people concerned it is often worse. A study published in *Psychological Science* in 2009 showed it: participants with low self-esteem who repeated a positive affirmation such as "I am a lovable person" felt worse than those who did not repeat it. The authors conclude that this kind of formula can backfire on the very people it is meant for.
The reason is mechanical: a sweeping, unverifiable statement offers an immediate handhold. One counter-example is enough to sweep it all away, and there is always one.
What works better are moderate wordings about one specific point, tied to a fact rather than to an identity. "I kept my word on that project" rather than "I am a reliable person". The authors put this forward in their discussion without having tested it: a statement that falls too far outside what you can accept about yourself gets rejected, and the rejection reinforces the negative belief. It is what we write on our page about the inner critic too, and the two pages say the same thing because they are read by the same people.
What the research says
There is no study specifically on hypnosis and self-love. Self-compassion, however, is an established field of research, and the approaches that come out of it rest on the same principle as the work offered here: developing a way of treating yourself that supports you, rather than trying to convince yourself of your own worth.
On those approaches, a 2019 meta-analysis pooled twenty-seven randomised trials. It reports moderate effects on depressive symptoms, stress and self-criticism, and a larger one on rumination. The authors set out two limits themselves: only one of the trials included had been registered before data collection began, and they cannot explain by what mechanism self-compassion acts on such a varied range of outcomes. It is a promising field, not a demonstration.
On anxiety, which often accompanies this picture, a 2019 meta-analysis of fifteen studies reports a large average effect for hypnosis, better as a complement to other approaches than used alone — see our page on stress and anxiety.
An example: Antoine's case
Antoine (name changed) described himself as "invisible". He asked for nothing, took on the files nobody wanted, and let chances to put himself forward go by. What decided him to come was hearing himself turn down an offer he had nevertheless been waiting two years for. The work did not consist of getting him to repeat that he had worth. It focused on what happened in the seconds when the opportunity came up, on what he said to himself at that moment, and on where that phrase came from — which he recognised as not being his own. He also started writing down what had gone well in his days, because his memory only held on to the rest.
This case describes one possible path. It predicts nobody else's. Pace and results vary from one person to another, and no course of work can guarantee a result.
How a session unfolds
The conversation. What happens when things go wrong, in which moments, for how long, and what it has actually cost you. The practitioner will also check that the situation is not primarily a matter for medical or psychological care.
A concrete goal. Not "love myself more", which cannot be measured. Rather: ask for the raise before June, say no to one single thing this week, stop ruminating three days after a meeting.
The induction, then the work itself, according to what came out of the conversation.
The follow-through. An exercise, and often a notebook, because memory is selective and what it erases has to be written down.
How many sessions? That is discussed at the first appointment. Nobody can know in advance.
Book an appointment
Tell us about your situation. If it is primarily a matter for medical or psychological care, we will say so. Ask us a question or book an appointment. Wherever you are in the world, video consultations offer the same conversation and the same session as in the office; we see people this way from France, Quebec, Morocco and well beyond, and here is how it works. If the subject touches your relationship or a separation, see also our page on love life and relationships.
Where would you like to consult?
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Frequently asked questions about Hypnosis to strengthen Self-Love
No, and it is the most common question. Treating yourself decently takes nothing away from anyone. In practice, people who wear themselves out never giving themselves a break end up less available, not more.
No, and that phrase does more harm than good. It suggests you must complete some inner project before you are entitled to a relationship, which adds a condition where there is none. Plenty of people love themselves badly and love others very well.
Not the way people think. Sweeping statements often backfire for people with low self-esteem, who feel worse after repeating them. What works better are precise wordings tied to a fact rather than to an identity.
No. Positive thinking covers things over. Here the point is to change the way you treat yourself when things go wrong, which is very different.
Confidence is about what you believe you can do. Self-love is about how you treat yourself, including when you do not manage it.
If there is abuse, this is not a question of self-love, and no work on yourself will make the situation acceptable. Help lines are listed on this page.
That is discussed at the first appointment. Nobody can know in advance.
Sources and references
On positive affirmations
- Wood, J. V., Perunovic, W. Q. E., & Lee, J. W. (2009). *Positive Self-Statements: Power for Some, Peril for Others*. Psychological Science, 20(7), 860-866. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19493324
On self-compassion
- Neff, K. D. (2003). *Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself*. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. doi.org/10.1080/15298860390129863 — the founding paper, which sets out the three-component definition.
- Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P., & Einstein, D. A. (2019). *Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of RCTs*. Mindfulness, 10(8), 1455-1473. doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6 — twenty-seven randomised trials, with the limits the authors point out themselves.
- Self-compassion: an accessible and effective tool — plain-language summary from GREPSY, Université Laval (in French).
On Hypnosis and anxiety
- Valentine, K. E., Milling, L. S., Clark, L. J., & Moriarty, C. L. (2019). *The Efficacy of Hypnosis as a Treatment for Anxiety: A Meta-Analysis*. International Journal of Clinical and Experimental Hypnosis, 67(3), 336-363. doi.org/10.1080/00207144.2019.1613863
On self-deprecation and depressive episodes
- Épisode dépressif caractérisé de l'adulte : prise en charge en soins de premier recours — Haute Autorité de Santé, good practice guidance, October 2017 (in French). A sense of worthlessness is listed among the criteria for recognising an episode.
- Depression dossier — Inserm (in French).
Public resources
- Maintaining good mental health — Government of Quebec.
Hypnosis as practised by the members of Solutions Hypnose is a complementary support approach. It is neither a medical act, nor a diagnosis, nor psychotherapy in the regulatory sense, and it in no way replaces a consultation, follow-up or treatment prescribed by a health professional.
Our practitioners do not assess and do not treat mental disorders or illnesses. They never ask for an ongoing treatment to be stopped or changed: that decision rests exclusively with your doctor.
No result can be guaranteed. The testimonials and examples presented on this page describe individual experiences and do not predict what you will experience.
In case of significant distress, unexplained physical symptoms or suicidal thoughts, contact a doctor, emergency services or a helpline without delay.
Page written by Ghislain Lepage
hypnotherapist
partner at Solutions Hypnose.
English version reviewed by David Veilleux